Taking Some Power Back..

My therapist says that it helps to say the crazy stuff in your head out loud. Okay, to be fair to my therapist she did not QUITE phrase it like that. We were talking about insecurities I have and fears that roll around in my head. And she suggested that saying the thought out loud takes the power away from those words. And so with that, I am going to conduct quite an experiment. I'm going to make myself quite vulnerable and put all those scary words on the internet.

 Here I go... I think there is a certain way to teach Sofie and that I am not organized, structured, or whatever, to execute such a lesson plan. I think she is absolutely brilliant and I often attribute that to her father-not me. I often attach my feelings of awkwardness to my daughter. In other words, she gets THAT from me. I think that I missed something HUGE her first year and it was that 'thing' that affected her wiring, so to speak. I am ashamed when I feel guilty about her Autism and simultaneously feel the disorder makes her more astounding than anyone else I know.

 I know for a fact vaccinations do not cause Autism. But I do sometimes get fixated on wondering what in my environment "contaminated" me. So much is put on the mother's health before and during pregnancy. I keep waiting for some allergy or asthma medication to be linked to autism. Silly I know. But I do think it. I'm worried I took the less brave option putting Sofie in a "self-contained classroom" next year (taking her out of her beloved preschool). I know we looked at her progress and made an educated decision based on her strengths and weaknesses. But I can't help think, late at night, that I didn't believe in Sofie enough. I worry that putting her in that other classroom is surrender. I know 'on paper' we did the right thing for her. But did I just limit my child? Did I change our narrative of super powers to a story of disability?

I'm scared to have another kid. We aren't ready for another child right now. But I am scared of having one. What if that baby has Autism too? What if that baby's Autism isn't as mild as Sofie's? What if Sofie can't handle a sibling? What if I can't juggle Sofie's education and social challenges with another baby? What if we never have another baby? Could I live with that? I do like the idea of another baby but I am scared as hell.

 I feel like I am failing a bit these days. Sofie's birthday is coming up. I am torn between giving her the celebration that fits her personality and developmental challenges and what all the other moms do. And by "other moms" I just see the phrase as this scary entity like 'the boogie man.' This odd little concept I have cooked up in my head of an army of women that manage to get their daughters excited about birthdays, holidays, little friends, toddler gym classes, and crowns (anything on their head really).

We are getting Sofie a bird. She seems so excited about it. Do I dare let myself wonder how she will interact with the bird? Will it be another one of life's moments where I am reminded that my kid is "different"? I am embarrassed that I can have a completely healthy child and have this pity party. In my most stereotypical catholic-guilt moments I am just waiting for that ungratefulness to materialize into something horrible.

 I have been really stressed lately. My mind wanders to existential worries. Why is it that when I am worried or scared my brain thinks the best course of action is to think about much bigger problems I have ZERO possibility of controlling? Seems like the actions of a masochist! I am going to go to bed now. I am going to read what I wrote tomorrow. I am hoping it looks like the ramblings of an insane person and that I will see I am putting to much pressure on myself. I hope. We will see. Good Night.