Love between a girl and her bird

Read these two sassy girls "The Owl and the Pussycat" at Sofie's urging

Two Birds on the Spectrum

Quality Time Between Friends

In only a short week and a half, our little family has grown quite attached to our little pet bird. For me it has been a welcome reprieve from studying ASD and ASD therapy methods. I have always loved nature specials and have found the little details about caring for a bird really fascinating. It's funny to take such care with Sofie's Gluten Free/ Casein Free Diet and add to that a little bird's organic pellet diet. From what I hear it will affect how the bird acts as well. 

I really love spending time with the little bird. And I can't get enough of seeing Sofie interact with her "baby." It's really sweet to see how similar they are. And I couldn't help but laugh reading about cockatiels- Birds are animals with Autism OR are individuals with Autism humans with bird-like tendencies? I will give you a moment to recover from me blowing your mind.

A Happy Place

Here are some characteristics I have read about cockatiels (I don't want to generalize for all birds)....

-crave routine and can exhibit "behavioral problems" when in a chaotic environment

-love attention but you must learn to approach them gently and quietly. It is a good idea to present your hand so they can approach you.

-never just grab a bird. They will learn to be anxious with this approach.

-a great healthy balanced diet helps them be much more social and happier. Digestive issues can contribute to illness but also can make the bird withdrawn and reluctant to be held.

-always speak calmly. Even when you are disciplining a bird never yell. They will only get anxious hearing yelling.

-if you notice the bird sitting in a corner of its cage for a long period of time, open the cage and offer your finger. Gently move the bird to another area of the cage with a toy or take the bird out for some playtime. 

-birds that spend long days by themselves without any human or bird interaction become withdrawn and will startle easily when someone does try to interact with it. 

-often misunderstood as an animal meant to just look at in a cage, it can actually be incredibly affectionate when cared for by someone that understands the sociology of birds. 

-if possible, encourage your bird to fly in a safe environment. Encouraging flying will give the bird practice with using its wings and it will learn to fly strong. 

For those of us that love a little one on the Spectrum, these characteristics can feel a little familiar. I know that little Doodle feels like Sofie's spirit animal. They really look like kindred spirits. 

Going to bed happy.

The Doodle Diaries

We have had a big week in our household! Sofie has gotten her long awaited bird (we named Doodle). It has been amazing to experience Sofie's first pet. We had decided to let Sofie stay at home with 'daddy' while 'mommy' went to pick up the bird from the breeder. When Ozzy opened the door Sofie said happily "A bird. A baby bird!" And when she sat down in front of the travel cage she said "I always wanted bird." It was AMAZING. Would never have dared to dream of their meeting going so well. And Sofie was so understanding of our little feathered friend's first day jitters. In the photo to the left you can see Sofie in mid babbling sentence explaining "I baby bird mama." We never imagined Sofie would grow so attached to this bird-so quickly!

It has also revealed a lot about how Sofie interacts with those she cares about. The first few days Sofie would check on the bird and gently stroke its tail feathers through the bars of the cage. She would sometimes randomly bring up that she had a bird. But she didn't smother the bird with attention or play too rough. She was always gentle. After seeing Doodle's temperament improve we got adventurous and had a play date in Sofie's room (ironically safest room in the house for Doodle). Sofie was ecstatic. Doodle flew and hid in the corner. I told Sofie that Doodle was shy. She then took her stuffed penguin and had it dance next to Doodle. She then took the penguin and went to another corner in the room to read a book with the penguin. It went on like this for a few minutes. Sofie then seemed to get mad at Doodle and started to have a little controlled tantrum. I think she was upset Doodle didn't attempt to engage her after her initial effort. I guess Doodle didn't get the memo. Because that is how Sofie's day usually goes. She will briefly connect to someone and then scampers away to do whatever self-directed task she has set for herself. Or sometimes she doesn't even make that brief connection but because the adults around her know how vital it is for her to learn to interact appropriately with others they do the heavy lifting and approach her. Doodle is going to make Sofie work for that connection in a way Sofie has never had to before. It's almost like a bird is tailor made for ASD therapy.

And it has been therapy for mommy too. I was getting quite anxious earlier in the week when the bird was reluctant to eat or drink unprompted. Aside from the usual parent fear of killing your child's pet, I think there was another element to my anxiety. This type of anxiety felt very familiar. I was feeling the anxiety I felt before the diagnosis when we would travel with Sofie. I was always worried about Sofie drinking or eating enough because she gave no indication she was hungry (no crying-nothing). A little cockatiel brought me back 'there.' It reminds me that we have come a long way but that I am human. And that along with those days-long-funks I can get in where I beat myself up for not getting Sofie to where she needs to be (wherever that is). I can also have an anxious feeling triggered AND talk myself back from the ledge. That's something to celebrate. Also I think I am a Bird person. I really loved having the bird play with my hair tonight. Never got the cat thing and I love dogs but I don't LOVE dogs. But I must say I love cuddling this little bird.

I think I can add Crazy Bird Lady to my resume.
 

Insomnia Questions

Insomnia brought on the practical reason that my little lady is recovering from a sinus infection and I am hearing every cough over the baby monitor and envisioning the worst (or rather grossest). That, in turn, leaves the door open for me to start worrying about things I can't control. This list is IMMENSE. I'm not kidding. Global warming is on there. The polarized political climate-check. Not knowing the potential markers for disease in my genetic code-yup that's on there too. Now I would like to think I am not crazy (famous last words). I don't cycle on all these thoughts. But it's fascinating that I took a second away from the keyboard to essentially call up those insane worries. It took zero effort. They were just-there, ready for me pull them out of the haze of my brain and flesh them out with some more focused worry. How kind of me-right?? Do I worry about the huge things because I feel powerless with my everyday worries OR do micromanage my daily worries because I see the chaos of the big picture and it scares the crap out of me? World's worst 'which came first?' question, isn't it?

Those worries are like water. They take the shape of the container or rather they take the likeness of the container. Feeling tired, overworked, lethargic? MAGICALLY I begin to worry about my weight (fitting the container). When I become overwhelmed about my daughter's future I can't help but sometimes see floating islands of trash, dead polar bears, little ice chunk remnants of glaciers big enough to fit in your hands. Not kidding. Am I a little nuts? Maybe.

The really sad thing is happiness doesn't seem to work the same way. When I am filled with joy-I am just that filled. My happy moment doesn't seem to set off a chain reactions of other happy thoughts. Peter Pan would have a really hard time getting me to fly-or really any of us. How often are you having an amazing day and your mind begins to race with images of amazing things you have no control over? Are our happy moments so dense that our brain is in a sense preoccupied for a moment? A rest from the worry? Maybe that's it. Or maybe it comes back to that primitive fight or flight response when it comes to worry. The mind races when it is scared. Could it be that? Why does the anxious brain not have uncontrollable positive thoughts running rampant?

We need to work on that.

I Spent the Fourth with the First

I spent the Fourth with the First
The First Person I've met that was created to see
See the things we all miss each day
Day passes to night and she says "Bye bye"
She sees 'it' all as the same-"hello flower, hello mama"

I spent the Fourth with the First
The First Person I've met that was born knowing
Knowing "it" is all the same and each blade of grass is different
She knows and celebrates the miracle of this paradox every day

I spent the Fourth with the First
And she is my last thought before sleep.

The More She Says the More I Understand Why She Thinks Talking is Overrated

I have a "pinch me" feeling with Sofie's progress lately. We absolutely have our textbook ASD trials and obstacles. Some days are more trying than others. But she is really starting to connect with this peculiar and foreign idea of "talking to people." We have had so much help along this crazy journey from family, friends, our amazing therapy team, teachers-the list goes on and on. Our newest breakthrough seems to have come from our speech therapist. She suggested that instead of holding out for a word or phrase we should give her other chances to succeed when she feels tongue-tied. So we started requesting that Sofie at least make an "ahhh" noise accompanied by eye-contact. She has really responded so well to this. It really built up her confidence and reduced her frustrations. And that confidence has exploded with a tidal wave of talking (well a tidal wave for our quiet girl). The talking really began to snowball around our Poconos trip in June. She is labeling things she sees as soon as she sees them (instead of the delayed response she would usually give). She is becoming increasingly tickled by how quickly she can get something by "using her words." I have never seen someone so proud to say "mmmmmillllkkk!"

And with this joy comes some skepticism. Perhaps it has always been there but Sofie is getting more comfortable letting us know how silly she thinks some of our world's social constructs are. Sofie has (I think) mild Autism and often we find ourselves reacting to things as if they were ASD effects but its sometimes just being a three-year old. One of these things is her classic todller self-centered thinking. She goes about her day thinking everyone around her knows EVERYTHING about her. HERE is where the perfect storm between typical toddler behavior and autism behavior forms.

 Me: "Sofie what do you want to watch [on TV]?"

Sofie has opened her PEC Book to Dinosaur Train and stays silent

Me: "Mommy doesn't know what you want." I start naming shows playing dumb.

Sofie: (softly) "Chain" with no eye contact *chain is "train"

Me: "Can you ask mommy for dinosaur train? I love it when Sofie uses her words. Can you say 'please dinosaur train'?

Sofie: looking downward she scoffs "AH Course I YIKE Chain"

Me: "Can you ask mommy for Train? Say 'train please'?"

Sofie: still not looking "BUH course I YIKE Chain! Bud and Tine (Buddy and Tiny are characters on show)! AHH Course!"

This goes on like this for a bit. Sometimes a minute or two sometimes longer with some tantruming but I think the exchange says a lot.

Here is my theory:

I think most three-year olds don't think there is real dire need to communicate their desires to their parents. I think many still assume Mommy and Daddy 'just know' what they want. How many times have you dealt with a screaming toddler that is furious you don't know why they are upset?? BUT a typically developing kid enjoys asking for things. Often they are like a broken record with their questions. There is a pride I see on these kids' faces. They want that connection. They want to talk. In my days and nights with Sofie, I can say she doesn't naturally get that typical toddler high from talking. Sofie communicates through touch. She loves touching those she cares about. She will physically shake with happiness sometimes from these exchanges. She enjoys vocalizing and her discreet babbling talks to her favorite doll "mokey." I think the high from talking hasn't come naturally to Sofie because expressive language can be a real source of anxiety and stress for Sofie. I equate it to how I hear runners talk about the "runner's high" with long distance running outdoors. I have not had any small victories with outdoor running that would make running long distances an attractive prospect for me. It's great for them but it's not for me (i'll stick to the treadmill I visit every 6 months; another Me Activity I need to return to). But sweet Sofie doesn't have the option of saying "Sorry guys, talking is tough. I really don't get the point of it. I'm fine with that."

And that's the thing. SHE is fine with it. Her frustrations come when she is in a situation in our black and white world that requires her to talk. THANK GOD receptively she is so "here." But that comes with a unique challenge because it has given her the gift of being a thoughtful and quiet observer. She gets to experience the world and take in the lessons around her. BUT she has no natural need to ever share those lessons because she doesn't really 'get' the incentive to share it. She has created this self-sustaining happy universe for herself. Well, rather it's self-sustaining according to Sofie. A toddler lives in the "now." It is insane to expect a 3-yr old to think about "the future" and how their actions will affect it. And yet sometimes I think I do expect her to see the big picture. That looks insane as I type it. But if I am honest yes, I think I sometimes push this agenda of talking without explaining why. I am working on that though. I really try to remind myself that WE want her to talk and WE know why she needs to but Sofie is happy today. It's a hard sell.

So thank God, she is starting to see why talking to people can be a good thing. And I think she is getting that we aren't trying to take away her twirling way of life. I know I am projecting a bit there but whatever. All I know is that my heart swells every time she talks. And I REALLY hope that her heart is swelling with pride too.

Love the Adventure

 We celebrated our five-year wedding anniversary this month. We took our little adventurous 3-year old to the Pocono Mountains. We had the best time. It was truly one of the best vacations of my life. And yes, we were lucky enough to have amazing weather. And yes, we were lucky enough to have a wonderful place to stay. These things alone would have made it a wonderful and memorable trip. But we had the added bonus of having every experience heightened knowing that we were living out a dream. How often can you say that? The day Sofie was diagnosed with ASD I couldn't see trips like this-they were for other families. And no it wasn't the label that made me feel this way. I knew my little girl's struggles and it made the dream of a happy spontaneous vacation, just that- a dream. We have gone on vacations since the diagnosis and they have been amazing. But this trip to the Poconos came with some potential roadblocks that not so long ago seemed like giant brick walls. Some of those roadblocks were the long car ride, the fluidity of our plans each day, keeping her safe holding our hand (easy to forget she used to hate that), giving her freedom to run (didn't always 'get' "stop"), being out somewhere that is a completely new sensory palette to explore (again, easy to forget EVERYTHING used to go in her mouth).  I'm not saying any of the potentially dangerous lines that are thrown around the blogosphere regarding Autism that would suggest everything is easy or she is pretty much a typcially developing kid thanks to therapy and diet changes. She is not. A fact I am reminded of anytime I meet a "typically developing kid" her age. What I am saying is that she is a thriving child with Autism. The steps we have taken since beginning our ASD journey have been exhaustive and not all of them proved fruitful. Every kid is different. I think of the time I spent trying out OT brushing, or our time with fish oil and liquid B12-it doesn't always work but you try what is feasible and safe. Going back to our trip, it was truly a celebration of all those steps and the steps my husband and I have taken since the diagnosis. I thought I loved him before we got married but the depth of love you feel when you know that you have a teammate that is right there with you and has the same vision for your family-it brings that love to a whole other level. And I guess that is what this rambling blog is all about. This crazy journey we are on has made us feel everything on another level. Of course we get bogged down by the trivial from time to time but we smile every time Sofie runs to get something we asked her to. We tear up sometimes when she constructs a simple sentence. We fight back happy tears when she puts her arms around us for a picture (pictured below, a first!). And she has given us the gift of keeping the volume down, so to speak. When we were at Bushkill Waterfall we heard quite a few parents getting mad a their kids for messing up their shoes with their puddle jumping. We didn't see the big deal. So we told Sofie she could "gently" step in each puddle she saw. And she followed THOSE directions quite well. And this isn't a reflection on how amazing we are. This is a reflection on what our daughter has taught us. They are just shoes. Experiencing all "this" is more important than clean shoes. We were talking while we were walking in the woods by the Falls and my husband was telling a story and the phrase "why are we here?" was uttered. Sofie zeroed in on that question and babbled "wah we ear? be oppy!" Let me translate: "Why we here? Be happy." And THAT is what made this one of the best vacations of my life. We have an amazing teacher.

Kettle Creek Aviary Research Center