The More She Says the More I Understand Why She Thinks Talking is Overrated

I have a "pinch me" feeling with Sofie's progress lately. We absolutely have our textbook ASD trials and obstacles. Some days are more trying than others. But she is really starting to connect with this peculiar and foreign idea of "talking to people." We have had so much help along this crazy journey from family, friends, our amazing therapy team, teachers-the list goes on and on. Our newest breakthrough seems to have come from our speech therapist. She suggested that instead of holding out for a word or phrase we should give her other chances to succeed when she feels tongue-tied. So we started requesting that Sofie at least make an "ahhh" noise accompanied by eye-contact. She has really responded so well to this. It really built up her confidence and reduced her frustrations. And that confidence has exploded with a tidal wave of talking (well a tidal wave for our quiet girl). The talking really began to snowball around our Poconos trip in June. She is labeling things she sees as soon as she sees them (instead of the delayed response she would usually give). She is becoming increasingly tickled by how quickly she can get something by "using her words." I have never seen someone so proud to say "mmmmmillllkkk!"

And with this joy comes some skepticism. Perhaps it has always been there but Sofie is getting more comfortable letting us know how silly she thinks some of our world's social constructs are. Sofie has (I think) mild Autism and often we find ourselves reacting to things as if they were ASD effects but its sometimes just being a three-year old. One of these things is her classic todller self-centered thinking. She goes about her day thinking everyone around her knows EVERYTHING about her. HERE is where the perfect storm between typical toddler behavior and autism behavior forms.

 Me: "Sofie what do you want to watch [on TV]?"

Sofie has opened her PEC Book to Dinosaur Train and stays silent

Me: "Mommy doesn't know what you want." I start naming shows playing dumb.

Sofie: (softly) "Chain" with no eye contact *chain is "train"

Me: "Can you ask mommy for dinosaur train? I love it when Sofie uses her words. Can you say 'please dinosaur train'?

Sofie: looking downward she scoffs "AH Course I YIKE Chain"

Me: "Can you ask mommy for Train? Say 'train please'?"

Sofie: still not looking "BUH course I YIKE Chain! Bud and Tine (Buddy and Tiny are characters on show)! AHH Course!"

This goes on like this for a bit. Sometimes a minute or two sometimes longer with some tantruming but I think the exchange says a lot.

Here is my theory:

I think most three-year olds don't think there is real dire need to communicate their desires to their parents. I think many still assume Mommy and Daddy 'just know' what they want. How many times have you dealt with a screaming toddler that is furious you don't know why they are upset?? BUT a typically developing kid enjoys asking for things. Often they are like a broken record with their questions. There is a pride I see on these kids' faces. They want that connection. They want to talk. In my days and nights with Sofie, I can say she doesn't naturally get that typical toddler high from talking. Sofie communicates through touch. She loves touching those she cares about. She will physically shake with happiness sometimes from these exchanges. She enjoys vocalizing and her discreet babbling talks to her favorite doll "mokey." I think the high from talking hasn't come naturally to Sofie because expressive language can be a real source of anxiety and stress for Sofie. I equate it to how I hear runners talk about the "runner's high" with long distance running outdoors. I have not had any small victories with outdoor running that would make running long distances an attractive prospect for me. It's great for them but it's not for me (i'll stick to the treadmill I visit every 6 months; another Me Activity I need to return to). But sweet Sofie doesn't have the option of saying "Sorry guys, talking is tough. I really don't get the point of it. I'm fine with that."

And that's the thing. SHE is fine with it. Her frustrations come when she is in a situation in our black and white world that requires her to talk. THANK GOD receptively she is so "here." But that comes with a unique challenge because it has given her the gift of being a thoughtful and quiet observer. She gets to experience the world and take in the lessons around her. BUT she has no natural need to ever share those lessons because she doesn't really 'get' the incentive to share it. She has created this self-sustaining happy universe for herself. Well, rather it's self-sustaining according to Sofie. A toddler lives in the "now." It is insane to expect a 3-yr old to think about "the future" and how their actions will affect it. And yet sometimes I think I do expect her to see the big picture. That looks insane as I type it. But if I am honest yes, I think I sometimes push this agenda of talking without explaining why. I am working on that though. I really try to remind myself that WE want her to talk and WE know why she needs to but Sofie is happy today. It's a hard sell.

So thank God, she is starting to see why talking to people can be a good thing. And I think she is getting that we aren't trying to take away her twirling way of life. I know I am projecting a bit there but whatever. All I know is that my heart swells every time she talks. And I REALLY hope that her heart is swelling with pride too.