I have been short on words lately. SO much is going on and I am struggling to process it all. The emotional highs and lows have been almost comical in how erratic they are. If I wasn't already on Zoloft I would think I have a real problem!! Some days I feel like the worst mother (see countless posts lately as evidence) and on days like today I feel so amazingly lucky and happy to be alive. My issues with anxiety make my brain search for something to be anxious over. Money, my health, my family's health, career paths, the environment ( not kidding, pictures of plastic in the oceans gives me ACUTE anxiety)- no topic is safe from my anxious brain. I sometimes wonder what life would be like if Sofie was "typically developing". I know I would find things to worry about. And I imagine them being pretty trivial (well maybe not all of them). Although to be fair, if I was going down another path those worries wouldn't feel very trivial. I guess what I am saying is that I am working hard to just live my life and not play the game of "who has it harder and who has it easier." I was reading the blog of a mom with a sweet little girl with Progeria (the rare rapid aging disease). I felt small and this blog felt small and petty when reading the obstacles their family is facing. But I guess while perspective is incredibly important to have it is equally important to allow yourself to feel sad and overwhelmed without adding a layer of guilt because "it could be worse." I know I have an embarrassment of riches in my life but I am allowed to get choked up when a "communication device" is mentioned as a possibility for Sofie "down the road." I am also allowed to bounce off the walls with happiness when we seem to be really taking some huge steps towards Sofie talking with more ease. I am going to blog much more often this summer. I am going to try to make short entries each day. I am going to try to do this because I realize that these gaps in entries allow for a lot of amazing things to go undocumented but it also allows my brain to get filled way past capacity. And I desperately need to do some much delayed spring cleaning for my brain.
My happy place |
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