Sunday, May 19, 2013
I am feeling "off" lately. I feel like I can't do anything right. I am trying to draw more and it's not a feel good at the moment. I just feel less than adequate. I think its because I am taking my mommy role way too seriously and its seeping into other areas of life. I just don't feel very capable this evening. I bet there are a lot of moms out there that feel that way sometimes. And I am going to go out on a limb and say the dads of the world feel that way too. But I can only speak for me. I have this nagging feeling that I am messing up and not doing enough to move forward. I'm just spinning the tires. I felt more focused at the beginning of this therapy journey and now I feel like I am not "on it" like I should be. Crazy thoughts are seeping into my head now and then. I read someone's status update the other day about their kid talking. Their child is much younger than Sofie. I caught myself instantly thinking "what did I do wrong? what did I miss?" That secret fear that I exposed myself during pregnancy or Sofie in her infancy to some kryptonite creeps into the front of my brain in my weaker moments. And there is so much to be grateful for. The other night Sofie exclaimed "again!" when we played her new favorite song while she was jumping on the trampoline. And Sofie continues attempting to talk. I even heard "mom,mom,mom" a few times. Awesome, awesome things (huge understatement). But in the current funk I am in, I realize I am having a really dysfunctional reaction to my child's amazing gifts. I am convinced Sofie is brilliant, like crazy brilliant. She remembers things so easily. She is a sponge. But I feel like I tripped her up. In other words, she has this spectacular brain and something happened that made it hard for her to speak (and I think I had something, or everything, to do with it). I don't ALWAYS think this but in my weaker moments I must admit I do think this. Logic and positive thinking tells me "I have to take some credit for Sofie's wonderful traits. It's insane to only credit myself with her limitations." And again, on my good days I have no problem believing that. But tonight I'm struggling a bit. I think it's because success makes you greedy. And Sofie is giving us a word here and there and I want more. She understands so much and I want to understand her more. Greedy mommy. I think all parents are "greedy" for their kids to succeed and be happy. Happy. I have to remember she is happy. Very happy (except when we are not giving her what she wants). And she has a gentle soul. Ozzy and I are amazed that when Sofie meets a dog she lights up and delicately extends her hand to let the dog smell her. She then has this adorable smile and gets shy (or pretends to be) and the dog seeks her out and licks her. Sofie then gently touches the dog's back. It's like clockwork. We have no idea how she learned to be so gentle with dogs. All we know is we have a very unique little girl and maybe it wouldn't kill me to take a little credit. I think I need to stop obsessing over what things need to be, or should be (semantics aren't that important). I am trying to draw a sketch of Sofie and I have started over three times. I got stuck on the idea that it had to look very realistic. I have no idea why I am stuck on that, it's not even my preferred style of drawing. I think it goes back to me being stuck on the idea of trying to be perfect. Again, at the risk of repeating myself way too much, I need to work on being more comfortable with how I see things and my approach to mommyhood. Sofie is VERY comfortable with how she sees things. Maybe I could take a page from the Bubu Handbook and lighten up a bit. And hopefully, my sketch will improve if I am unapologetically me and stop trying to draw the way I am "supposed to." I am about to hit "publish" and I am feeling like I babbled. But what are blogs for if not to ramble a bit.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
We went to the Pediatrician yesterday for Sofie's 2yr check-up. It was incredibly frustrating. Our pediatrician confirmed what a lot of people have said to me: most GP pediatricians have a scary ignorance about ASD. The doctor actually suggested we put Sofie in pre-school early to get her around kids sooner. Aside from that lovely suggestion (that is impossible to implement by the way), she seemed to have blinders on. Now that she saw "ASD" in Sofie's file she didn't see Sofie anymore-just a walking disability. So dumb. Anyway, instead of wallowing in the negativity I gave myself a project last night when I couldn't sleep. I made a little video to remind myself of the journey Sofie is on and how well she is doing-in spite of ignorant doctors (okay, maybe a little negativity wallowing...but just a little). It felt really good making the video. Our little Super Bubu has a lot to be proud of. And I think our little family and network of support has a lot to be proud of too.