Thursday we found out that our little Bubulubu has Autism. Looking at the word on the computer screen is still really weird. "My daughter has autism." Can that be true? I know it is. My husband, Ozzy, and I have held our breath for months and months wondering why our little girl reacted a bit diffrently to life than other babies. I was so scared, still am I guess. Our little Bubu is 18 months old. People tell me it is a real blessing we caught it so early. I hope they are right. I am going to work really REALLY hard to make their predictions true.
This has been the craziest most surreal five days of my life. Thursday Ozzy and I collapsed on the floor sobbing after the specialists left our home. AUTISM?!? What did I do? What did I do? What did I eat when I was pregnant? Where did I go when I was pregnant? How could I let this happen to my baby? I spent the next two days trying to remember how I accidentally ingested or exposed myself to my Bubu's kryptonite. I'm not blaming myself every minute now. I have my moments where my mind goes there but I am working really hard to not stay "there." I'm working really, really hard.
After the first grueling 48 hours, we were lucky enough to have a weekend where Ozzy and I didn't have to work. It was the best weekend we have had, since I don't know when. I think it was the first time we REALLY saw our Bubu for who she is. She isn't this scary question mark. She is an incredibly unique person, and just like the rest of us, I have absolutely no clue what her future will be. That is scary as hell but oddly beautiful too.