Tuesday, May 13, 2014
I have tried to exercise my negative thoughts out through some sort of catharsis. But I think my next entry will be a letter to myself written by me in six months. I'm going to try and make it a very positive letter. I'm really going to try. I really need to find out where Sofie is going to school next year. This is not doing my mental health any favors. Maybe faking it until I can make it will work. But right now- I am tired.
Oh the life of a shark. Finished up a vacation and OF COURSE have some moments I wish I could do over again. I am pretty convinced I am not meant to sit still. Sitting time is thinking time. And thinking time allows the self-doubt in. I have been a bit more anxious about money than usual. I feel like I am just treading water all the time. And any financial assistance anyone tries to offer me I see it as a confirmation that I am, in fact, drowning. I can’t see the help. I just see myself in six months trying to explain how that help has disintegrated thanks to my amazing finance skills. I would never, in a million years, judge another human being as harshly as I judge myself. Perfectionism isn’t thinking you are “the shit.” It is thinking perfection is attainable and you are shit for not getting there. I am a rather sunny person for the most part. Reading this you would think I am a part-time Sylvia Plath Impersonator. I have so much to be grateful for and I see a lot of good in my life. And I see a good amount of positive things in me. But those dark thoughts are there-waiting and ready to strike when I am foolish enough to stop moving. They don’t show up in every calm moment but they have a gift for showing up when it is most embarrassing. Family trips are awesome opportunities to act like a lunatic that can’t relax. I HIGHLY recommend it. It’s a quick and easy way to alienate the people closest to you. Its awesomeness streamlined. It’s an odd thought. You need “safe people” you can be vulnerable around and these are the people that will in turn feel the worst about revealing yourself to and, in turn, feel like your standing with them is anything but safe. My logical side of my brain knows its family and your spot is safe. But I cannot help but help but think my spot is bit beaten up by my neurotic flare-ups. Even with the people you love-don’t your hang ups becoming tiring? Do the hang-ups create fatigue that you can bounce back from? Or is it an exercise in atrophy? Or am I just a nut that needs to shut up when my folks offer to help?